The Ultimate Guide to Transforming Anger v.2021–12

Photo by Julien L on Unsplash

Three Conditions

When I am angry, three things are true:

❶ There is something I want that I’m not getting

❷ I’m telling myself that someone has to give it to me.

❸ I’m about to speak or behave in a way that will virtually assume me that I won’t get what I want (or at least assure that even if I get it, it will be given in a way which will almost certainly come with significant costs to both)

Cost of Anger

  • I hurt someone, they ask me to apologise. We both apologise but not from the heart.
  • impact the quality of the relationship.
  • Disconnecting from each other


  • Reflecting on my parents during childhood, anger was somehow conditionally and mildly acceptable. What about yours?

Transforming our own anger using NVC

❶ Observation

Identify the stimulus without evaluation. Clarifying question: “What did the other person(s) say/do that is the stimulus for my anger.”

❷ Thinking

Identify our judgements/blame that is the cause of our anger. Clarifying Question: “What are you telling yourself about the other person that is making you angry?”

❸ Needs

Identify the root of our anger (needs) hidden within our judgements. Clarifying Question: ”What needs of mine are not getting met that are being expressed through the judgments I am making.”

❹ Feeling-Shift

Notice the shift by connecting to the feelings now present in me. Clarifying Question: ”What am I feeling now that l have connected to my

❺ Strategies

Meeting the needs expressed by the Anger. Clarifying Question:
”What actions can I take or request to better meet my needs?”

6 Steps to transforming Anger in the Present Moment

  1. STOP; do not say anything.
  3. LET THE ‘JACKAL’ SHOW GO OFF: Identify and observe my judgmental thoughts. Let myself think them INTERNALLY in my mind, NOT saying them out to the person.
  4. CONNECT TO THE NEEDS behind my judgements: Time out — when I am needing support to translate my anger (into what my needs are).
  5. NOTE BODY SHIFT: and new feelings which are now alive.
  6. EXPRESS or EMPATHIZE your observation, feelings and needs and request.

Other Resources




🕊 Consultant, Counselor, Mediator, Facilitator, Trainer on Nonviolent Communication. 🦒

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Ben H

Ben H

🕊 Consultant, Counselor, Mediator, Facilitator, Trainer on Nonviolent Communication. 🦒

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