Three Conditions
When I am angry, three things are true:
❶ There is something I want that I’m not getting
❷ I’m telling myself that someone has to give it to me.
❸ I’m about to speak or behave in a way that will virtually assume me that I won’t get what I want (or at least assure that even if I get it, it will be given in a way which will almost certainly come with significant costs to both)
Cost of Anger
- I hurt someone, they ask me to apologise. We both apologise but not from the heart.
- impact the quality of the relationship.
- Disconnecting from each other
Influences
- Reflecting on my parents during childhood, anger was somehow conditionally and mildly acceptable. What about yours?
Transforming our own anger using NVC
❶ Observation
Identify the stimulus without evaluation. Clarifying question: “What did the other person(s) say/do that is the stimulus for my anger.”
❷ Thinking
Identify our judgements/blame that is the cause of our anger. Clarifying Question: “What are you telling yourself about the other person that is making you angry?”
❸ Needs
Identify the root of our anger (needs) hidden within our judgements. Clarifying Question: ”What needs of mine are not getting met that are being expressed through the judgments I am making.”
❹ Feeling-Shift
Notice the shift by connecting to the feelings now present in me. Clarifying Question: ”What am I feeling now that l have connected to my
needs?”
❺ Strategies
Meeting the needs expressed by the Anger. Clarifying Question:
”What actions can I take or request to better meet my needs?”
6 Steps to transforming Anger in the Present Moment
- STOP; do not say anything.
- BREATHE
- LET THE ‘JACKAL’ SHOW GO OFF: Identify and observe my judgmental thoughts. Let myself think them INTERNALLY in my mind, NOT saying them out to the person.
- CONNECT TO THE NEEDS behind my judgements: Time out — when I am needing support to translate my anger (into what my needs are).
- NOTE BODY SHIFT: and new feelings which are now alive.
- EXPRESS or EMPATHIZE your observation, feelings and needs and request.
